Saturday, October 17, 2009

Thanks To All My Friends & Relatives


 I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of  recovery.

I no  longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have  them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on  the lemon peel.

I can't  use the remote in a hotel room, because I  don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult  movie channels.
I can't  sit down on the hotel bedspread, because I  can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last  washed.

I have  trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving,  because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose  (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).


Eating a  little snack sends me on a guilt trip, because I  can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the  years.

I can't  touch any woman's purse, for fear  she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST  SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to  whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes, because I now  have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every  can I open for the same reason.             

I no  longer have any savings, because I  gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for  the 1,387,258th time.

I no  longer have any money at all, but that  will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for  participating in their special e-mail program.

I no  longer worry about my soul, because I  have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every  wish.

I no  longer eat KFC, because  their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or  feathers.

I no  longer use cancer-causing deodorants, although  I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS  TO YOU, I have  learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of  my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR  CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola, because  it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer  can buy gasoline without  taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer won't crawl in my  back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no  longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper, since the  people who make these products are atheists, who refuse to put “Under God” on their  cans.
 

I no  longer use Saran Wrap in the  microwave, because it causes cancer.

AND  THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't  boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore, because it will blow up in my  face, disfiguring me for life.
 

I no  longer check the coin return on pay phones or vending machines, because I  could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no  longer go to shopping malls, because  someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me..

I no  longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex, since  they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target, since  they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation  Army.

I no  longer answer the phone, because  someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with  calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan . 


I no  longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I  now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU, I can't  use anyone's toilet but mine, because a big brown African spider is lurking  under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE, I can't  ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot, because it probably was placed  there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my  leg.

I can  no longer drive my car because I  can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

I can't  do any gardening because  I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall  off.

If you  don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a  large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow  afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to  grow a hairy hump.  I know this will occur, because it actually happened  to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's  cousin's beautician…….

Oh, by  the way.....
A German  scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people  with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the  mouse.

Don't  bother taking it off now, it's too late.


ha ha - just had to share this 

6 comments:

  1. LOL Too funny!!!! That just about wrapped up all of my emails from the week!!

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  2. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! My Pretty!!!!!!!
    Lynn

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  3. I laughed until I cried :) thanks for sharing

    aunteegm@yahoo.com

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  4. I was getting worried for you a minute there!!! Emails are just too much sometimes aren't they?

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  5. LOL!!! Good one! Pretty much sums up all of our lives.....

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  6. that was cute....at first I thought you were serious after reading the first couple of ones
    kathren

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